Getting your guffaws from major network sitcoms?
You're wasting your time, bunky.
The funniest stuff to be found on the ol' flat screen is as close as your favorite cable news channel.
And lately, it's a laugh a minute.
Check it out.
Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain told supporters Saturday that he is suspending his presidential campaign, which has become hobbled in recent weeks by allegations of sexual harassment and an Atlanta woman's claim that they carried on a 13-year affair.
While he will still be able to raise and spend campaign funds because he did not officially drop out, Cain's White House bid is effectively over.
Cain said he came to the decision after assessing the impact that the allegations were having on his wife, his family and his supporters.
Cain and his wife, Gloria, held hands as they walked up to the podium where Cain made his remarks in Atlanta. The crowd chanted, "Gloria! Gloria!" before the candidate spoke.
Even as he stepped aside under the weight of the allegations that have dogged him, Cain said that he was at "peace with my God" and "peace with my wife."
He repeatedly called the allegations "false and untrue," and added that "the (media) spin hurts."
"I am not going to be silenced and I will not go away," Cain said, announcing what he called his Plan B: A website, TheCainSolutions.com, through which he will continue to advocate for his platform.
His catchy "9-9-9" economic plan is not going anywhere, he said.
"Your support has been unwavering and undying," Cain told his supporters.
He will endorse another of the Republican presidential hopefuls soon, he said.
Other candidates were quick to react.
"Herman Cain provided an important voice to this process," Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann said in a statement. "His ideas and energy generated tremendous enthusiasm for the conservative movement at a time it was so desperately needed to restore confidence in our country."
Fellow Georgian Newt Gingrich said the "9-9-9" plan "got our country talking about the critical issue of how to reform our tax code and he elevated the dialogue of the Republican presidential primary in the process."
Texas Gov. Rick Perry said he knew the Cains made a "difficult decision. He helped invigorate conservative voters and our nation with a discussion of major tax reform."
Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman said Cain brought "a unique and valuable voice to the debate over how to reform our country's uncompetitive tax code and turn around the economy. I understand his decision and wish him and his family the best."
Now, I've written a comedic line, or piece, in my time and, I gotta tell ya, I'm pretty confident that I know from funny.
And this, friends, is some funny shit.
Seriously.
Our wacky and zany hero has been waylaid by a motley crew of moralists, muckrakers, mademoiselles and media malarkey mavens, bringing to an end his quixotic quest to be the next black guy to ride up on the white horse to the front door of that white house.
Meanwhile, his crack up crew of cohorts are pratfalling all over themselves trying to be first in line on the high road of "so long, been good to know ya" while struggling satirically to keep their gleeful "good riddance" smiles as minimal as humanly possible.
And...patting him on the back, shoving him out the door and bending over to kiss his behind in hopes of being that "hopeful" to be soon endorsed.
All at the same time.
Cue laugh track, my ass.
This thing generates applause and ah-has as far as the ear can hear.
The future of the planet and the leadership the voters are trying to pluck from the muck is, rightly, serious business.
The process of choosing that leadership, in the meantime, is more chuckly and chortly than any ten episodes of Lucy and Ethel stuffing chocolates in their uniforms and light years out in front of anything Ashton Kutcher and company are offering up Monday nights, nine eastern, eight central.
And if you're having trouble finding the funny here, you're just not trying hard enough.
I mean, come on, comedy writers would sell their soul to the devil to be able to write a script that has four ostensibly major candidates for the Republican nomination for President of The United States offering obits grease painted with a transparent layer of tribute before the last note of taps has even been heard at the au revoir rally.
And how much funnier does it get than these four clowns praising a platform while delightedly seeing it dismantled?
Not your cup of tea, humor wise?
To each his or her own.
E pluribus unum.
Tell you one thing, though.
One someone is laughing louder and longer than anyone else on the aforementioned planet.
Barack Obama.
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